


In this house, we hate clowns

by BunnyJess



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Anniversary, Babs is Oracle, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Jason has OCD, Jason is Red Hood, Mention of Jason being naked, Mentions of Jason getting aroused, Mentions of the pit, Slice of Life, Time is Jason's enemy, implication of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:20:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27634000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BunnyJess/pseuds/BunnyJess
Summary: A series of Slice of life fics depicting Babs and Jason's married life, and various occasions that pop up along the way.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon/Jason Todd
Comments: 10
Kudos: 47





	1. Tick tock goes the clock

Jason burst through the door but making sure to close it carefully behind him.   
“You’re late!” Barbara called out from somewhere in the flat and she did not sound pleased. Jason kicked off his boots and placed them on the ‘dirty’ mat next to the door.  
“Only a little bit.” He called out sheepishly as he pulled his helmet off and keyed the code for the vault in the hallway and placed his helmet, jacket and body armour inside and set it to sterilise once he closed the door.   
“You were supposed to be ready forty five minutes ago.” Jason’s denial was doing nothing to mitigate the irritation radiating off of the redheaded super-genius.

“It’ll only take me a sec.” He pleaded as he nearly ripped off his trousers and underwear and turned on the shower. A little yelp reverberated through the flat as he jumped into the still cold jet of water.   
“I wouldn’t care so much if it hadn’t happened the last five times Jason.” Jason was now genuinely starting to fear for his life, if anything Barbara was more deadly now that she was in her wheelchair as she had a habit of sneaking up on him.   
“It’s fine, I’ll get us there!” Barbara sat outside the bathroom with her arms crossed, her eyes rolled so far back in her head they might have nearly fallen out.

“You’ve got five minutes to get ready or we’ll miss it for good.” The impatience was heavy in her tone as Jason scrubbed and soaped like his second life depended on it, and it probably did. The shower stopped abruptly and Jason scrambled out of it, nearly slipping on the hard floor as he’d forgotten to put the mat down in his rush.   
“Four minutes left bird boy.” Now Jason really knew she was pissed, she never referred to him with Robin references unless he was in the shithouse. Jason was drying himself so fast he swore he was giving himself full thickness burns across his body, he threw the towel down and set off out of the bathroom.

Once again Jason yelped as he exited the bathroom as he met the steely cold stare from Barbara who was still sat just outside the bathroom.   
“Jesus FUCK Barb, do you have to do that right now!” He called back as he sprinted down the hallway, as naked as the day he was born and clutching desperately onto his genitals to stop himself from getting an injury that would slow him down, and into the bedroom.   
“Three minutes.” Came Barbara’s voice from the hallway, she then turned and wheeled herself to the doorway and re-crossed her arms waiting for the man also known as ‘The Red Hood’ to re-appear from the bedroom.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.” Jason muttered to himself as he searched through his sock draw for even a remotely matching set of socks, he then cursed himself for forgetting to do the washing before he left last night. After he finally found socks that would do he decided to forgo searching for underwear and headed straight for his wardrobe. Jason flung the doors open and selected a beautiful purple suit that he hoped would go well with whatever Barbara was wearing as he hadn’t actually taken a good look at his wife yet.

He carefully pulled up the zipper and buckled his belt, fastened his tie and slipped his arms into both his waistcoat and jacket simultaneously. Taking a fleeting second to make sure everything was okay he pulled on the matching shoes for this suit and tied them as quick as he could.   
“THIRTY SECONDS AND YOU’RE DEAD TODD.” Barbara shouted from the doorway. Jason sprinted from the bedroom to the door and pulled his coat from the hook, stopping just in front of Barbara who was in the hallway holding open the elevator door.

Jason closed the door behind him and locked the door, palming the reader recessed into the wall to fully secure their apartment then walked over to Barbara as the panel slid back down to hide the scanner. Now that he had the opportunity he saw that he must’ve subconsciously picked his suit as Barbara was wearing an exquisite halter neck white dress with a deep purple flower pattern intricately winding its way up and around the dress.   
“You look amazing sweetie.” He leant down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and then coughed hard as she punched him in the abdomen.

“If you even think about being late for our anniversary again you can say goodbye to any bedroom activities for a whole fucking year!” She growled at him as he recovered from the blow, walking round the corner of the elevator block. When he returned he held in his hand a large arrangement of Barbara’s favourite flowers and handed them to her.   
“Happy anniversary baby, I picked these up on the way back from Arkham.” Barbara sniffed them and her mood lightened instantly.   
“Oh thank you Jay, they’re gorgeous. Go put them in a vase inside, the taxi won’t be here for another five minutes and I’ve moved our reservation back to quarter-to so we’ve got enough time.”

Jason stared at the redhead in disbelief.   
“You mean I had time to put underwear on?!” He asked abruptly. Barbara glanced at his crotch and saw the more prominent bulge that only occurred when he went commando.   
“Yeah, sorry.” She tried not to laugh but in the end she burst into laughter as Jason walked back through the door and headed straight to the kitchen. When he re-emerged Barbara had recalled the elevator and they both entered, Jason making sure to take Barbara’s hand.   
“I’m honestly sorry I’m late, you know how tricky Nigma can be.” The ex-Batgirl rubbed her thumb over the back of his palm. “I know sweetie, don’t worry I still love you.” Jason laughed.   
“I love you too gorgeous.” He leant down again and kissed her cheek just as the doors opened. Barbara set off into the foyer.   
“I’m still serious about the no sex thing though, don’t be late next year.” Jason sighed and followed her out to the street, he was taking next year off and there was nothing Bruce could say to convince him otherwise.


	2. Some patrols are harder than others

A cold winter breeze rolled over the rooftop and nearly extinguished Jason’s cigarette, he felt the wind just in time and turned to shield his light with his body. He let out a gentle sigh of relief and took another drag, letting the smoke fill his lungs and the sense of relief as he exhaled. Jason sat at the feet of his favourite gargoyle, the one he’d considered his best and only friend during some of his days as Robin. Now it was a spot for him to come and relax after stressful patrols before heading home. Suddenly Jason’s earpiece sparked into life, he was so deep into his own little world of thoughts that it caught him completely off guard and he dropped his cigarette.

“You do know I can access any CCTV camera in the city don’t you, so I can see you sparking up next to old faithful.” Jason let his head fall backwards into the gargoyle and groaned.   
“Come on Oracle, it was just one. I found an old packet and really needed the relief, just gimmie this one?” There was a moments pause where nothing was said.   
“Okay, just this once, but only because you’ve got a moderately cute ass.” Jason rasped his lips.  
“Puh-lease! My ass is maximum cute and you know it!” Barbara giggled down the comm.   
“You keep telling yourself that Hood and maybe one day it’ll come true.” Jason shook his head with a dirty grin on his face, he hated it when she was in this kind of mood because all he wanted to do was be at home pinning her down.

“You know I don’t get home for hours yet, why you gotta tease me like this?” He begged of his wife but all he got in return was another filthy giggle.   
“That’s exactly why I do it Red, because now you’ve got to go and find your teammates and finish off the night’s work, all whilst thinking of me all alone in our big empty flat, and all the manner of things I could get up to.” Jason swung from in front of the gargoyle onto the roof behind it and paced rapidly to try and slow any further blood diversion.   
“You’re a real piece of work O, just you wait till I get home!” Jason growled his last message, not helping his own trouser cause.   
“What do you think I’m doing?” She said enticingly.

Jason picked up the dulled, matte, stealth version of his Red Hood helmet and pulled it on over his head, activating the helmet’s HUD and comm gear.   
“Right, that’s it I’m getting back to the others before you cause me any further problems…” Barbara cut him off suddenly.   
“Yes I can see just what problems you mean.” She laughed uproariously as she watched Jason adjust his trousers on her screen to hide the sudden protrusion that had appeared there.   
“Ha ha very funny! I’m going now, if you’re not too busy can you tell me where the Outlaws are?” He lifted his tone towards the end of his sentence so she knew for sure that he wasn’t being a little piss-baby.   
“Starfire and Biz are on the west side of the docks whilst Artemis and Arsenal are closing in on the east side, the should be there in five. You won’t get there in time you know.” Jason smirked at her last comment.   
“You think?”

Jason swung into the apartment through the open balcony window and landed gracefully in front of an empty trolley. He rose from his kneeling position and started removing his equipment, placing it neatly with an obsessive amount of precision where his brain told him each item should go. Most of the time he was able to control the OCD he’d developed after his dip in the pit but he discovered it was best to allow it to control small parts of his life so that the rest of it could go unaffected.   
“I love watching you sometimes.” Barbara spoke so gently from the shadows that if his night vision hadn’t still been active when he swung in he wouldn’t have known she was there.   
“There’s a graceful elegance to it.”

A cheeky grin spread over Jason’s face.   
“Well I’ve gotta do something properly, otherwise people might think I was just a dumb brute.” Barbara wheeled over to him, took his hand and gently kissed the back of his palm.   
“Anyone who thinks you’re a dumb brute knows absolutely nothing about you.” He smiled deeply then leant down and kissed her tenderly on the lips.   
“I love you Babs.” He barely pulled his lips away as he spoke.   
“I love you too…Jaybird.” Jason straightened up and looked down at her with fire in his eyes.   
“Right that’s it, final straw.” He leant down and scooped her out of her chair and threw her over his shoulder into a fireman’s lift.   
“It’s time I taught you a lesson, especially after all that crap you pulled on comms.” Jason strode off with her still on his shoulder and into the bedroom where he finally got his revenge for all the teasing during the night.


	3. A rare family Christmas

Barbara glided down the hallway and turned abruptly at the end, scooting round the corner and propelling herself towards the Christmas tree that sat just off to the left of their living room area.  
“Found it, I thought I’d put it with the rest of the decorations but I guess I decided it’d be better off alone.” They both giggled at her joke as Jason placed the gag Christmas decoration atop their tree. It was a tiny little man with his legs thrown out in front of him, holding a little sign in his hands, a white vest covering his pot-belly and a Batcowl loosely hanging onto the figures head. The sign read ‘I am Batman’ whilst the hole to secure the figure to the top of the tree was where the figures asshole would’ve been.

“There we go, right where he belongs, watching over all of us.” Jason stepped down off of the stool and admired his handiwork. Jason had spotted the decoration a few years back walking through the Gotham market one day and literally could not walk past it until they bought it. Every year since it was put, pride-of-place on top of their tree regardless of whether Bruce was coming round to celebrate the holidays or not.   
“Okay, last push now. Dad’ll be here in about an hour so if you want to finish up in here I don’t mind cleaning the bathroom?” She asked and Jason swayed from side-to-side in thought.   
“Alright go to the toilet but don’t be too long.” Jason sped off towards the bathroom with his cute little ‘I need a poo’ waddle.   
“And please don’t stink it up too much.” Barbara called after him, without missing a step he turned a full three sixty degrees finger-gunning and winking at her before disappearing into the bathroom.

Barbara facepalmed.   
“I married an idiot.” She said to herself then wheeled over to the cleaning cupboard and pulled out the small pre-prepared basket of all the products she could ever need to clean the bathroom. After a short while Jason emerged and shuffled bashfully over to the living room where he silently started tidying again, his behaviour somewhat resembled a young pup who does something they know they shouldn’t’ve done and tries to pretend it hasn’t. Barbara rolled closer and closer to the bathroom and before too long found herself reaching for the air freshener.   
“Jesus Jason what did you eat last night?!” She groaned, fighting the smell coming from the bathroom with her bottle of air freshener.

Soon enough police Commissioner James Gordon, or Dad to Barbara and Jason, was knocking on their door and the ongoing race to see who could answer the door first began. Jason flipped graciously over the sofa and sprinted for the door while Barbara who had a much shorter route put down the sieve and headed for the door. Barbara arrived in the hallway to the door just as Jason arrived there too, not sure if he had the room to do it but commited to doing it anyway, Jason hurdled over Barbara’s head and into the lead. She had heard him coming however and guessed perfectly what Jason’s path of action would be.

Barbara reached up a fist a foot above her head and grinned deeply as she felt her fist collide with the soft organs between his legs. Jason clattered to the floor rolling to just before the door and Barbara shot past him, pulling up in time to turn appropriately to open the door for her father.  
“Merry Christmas my little angel!” He proclaimed as the door opened and bashed into the back of Jason’s calf.   
“I see you won the race this year?” He asked his daughter and she beamed and nodded proudly.  
“That’s my girl.” He said holding out his hand for her to high-five.

“Morning Jason and a merry Christmas to you too.” He laughed as he offered his hand to his son-in-law and helped him off the floor. Jason threw his arms around the police commissioner and hugged him tightly.   
“And to you old man, we’re glad you could make it this year.” Jason released him and took his coat from him, hanging it on the nearest coat hook.   
“They didn’t keep you too busy this year then?” Barbara asked as she rushed to the kitchen to fetch her dad his favourite beer, shipped all the way from Germany.   
“Well I managed to beg the review court that releasing calendar man a month before Christmas was only ever a bad idea and they listened this year!”

“I thought I hadn’t seen any of his usual signs this year.” Jason said sitting down in the arm chair that had a wheelchair sized space next to it so that Barbara could simply wheel into place next to him. She passed the glass of chilled beer to her father and he took a longing swig.   
“Ahhh that’s the stuff.” He said holding the glass away from him and watching it bubble.   
“So what’re we having this year then?” He asked the couple.   
“Well this year we’re switching things up a little bit and we’re having a ham roast this year.” Jason announced and sure enough just as he finished saying it Jim caught the smell emanating from the kitchen and licked his lips.

“Well it smells lovely so I can’t wait.” He said rubbing his hands together.   
“So Jace, how’s the day job coming along?” Jason had recently taken a more senior roll at the auto shop he worked at after so long of them ignoring his abilities and strong work ethic.   
“It’s good man, especially now that they are clearly seeing all the good I’m doing there.” Jason stood and walked towards the kitchen as a quiet beeping sounded from the oven.   
“We had this lovely Oldsmobile roll in the other day, I think it was a four four two from sixty six. Real sweet car, just needed a bit of overall maintenance really. I think the lady had just bought it but either way we were glad she did!” Jim nodded in agreement.   
“Beautiful car the four four two.” He said remembering the car being stuck to his bedroom wall as a kid.

“Well I’m glad it’s all going well down at the shop, we seem to be getting a little less traffic these days. I think Batman lifting his ‘no metas’ rule for the Outlaws seems to be having the desired effect. There’s only so many times the crapsacks of Gotham can get beat up by an undead Robin, an alien warrior-queen, green arrow’s protégé, a reverse superman clone and an amazon before they decide on a career change.” Jason and Barbara laughed at Jim’s remarks.   
“I mean census shows there’s still as many people in Gotham as this time last year, just the crime stats are finally falling. Mind you, no Joker is bound to bring down any stats even if it has been years since he was offed.”

Several hours later, with bellies full to bursting point, Jim snapped back awake from the mid-afternoon post food nap he’d accidentally fallen into. He looked hazily around the room and saw that Jason had lifted Barbara out of her chair and was sat with the former Batgirl on his lap as they watched the British version of ‘Planet Earth’.   
“Welcome back to the world of the living Jim.” Jason jibed as he noticed the older man stirring.  
“Yeah yeah.” Jim replied swatting his hand as if to block Jason’s tease. Jim hauled himself out of the rut he’d made for himself and straightened out his clothes and looking at his watch.

“Well I guess I better be off, leave you two to enjoy the rest of your Christmas.” He announced. Jason rose with Barbara in his arms and placed her gently back in her chair.   
“It’s been lovely having you dad, promise you’ll try and come again next year?” Barbara asked as Jim pulled on his long cream trench coat.   
“I’ll do my best my little princess.” He said as he leaned down, kissed Barbara on the forehead and pulled her in for as tight-a-hug as he could manage without wanting to spew his guts. Barbara released him and he moved onto Jason, giving his son-in-law yet another tight but restrained hug.  
“See you soon Jace, and let me know if you get any more interesting cars into the shop and I’ll drop by!” Jason nodded and smiled back at Jim.   
“’Course I will, see you soon Jim.” He said as Jim opened the door and left, allowing Jason to close the door behind him.


	4. When in San Diego...

Jason had always marvelled at Barbara’s tech nous but this latest creation was just beyond his expectations. Their suitcases were laid empty against the wall of their hotel room as they got into costume for SDCC. They had been waiting all year for this, partly because it was SDCC and they couldn’t wait to get their hands on the latest Batfamily toys, but mostly because of their outfits for the first day. Their theme had been Star Wars but they had decided not to do the most obvious ‘couple-cosplay’ and had gone for a more obscure pairing. Jason was dressed head to toe in black robes with a large black band around his torso. On his head, he had adapted one of his Red Hood helmets (with the help of one Roy Harper) and turned it into a fully functional Kylo Ren helm. He and Roy had even managed to concoct a functioning (although completely harmless) lightsabre using nano-tech. 

Barbara’s outfit was the cherry on top though. She had designed and built a fully functioning orange and white orb that would fit around her and her wheelchair. The mechanisms inside then turned the output from her electric wheelchair and converted it into propulsion for the orb. Then with a completely gyro-controlled position, a small dome floated just over a centimetre above the orb with the use of carefully measured magnets. The overall effect was the most detailed BB-8 cosplay Jason had ever laid eyes on.   
“Jeez I forget how fucking awesome that thing is.” He said as Babs pulled on her top and shorts over her swimwear. With all her planning, the one thing she’d forgotten to account for was the temperature inside the contraption. As a result, she had to get out of regular clothes once the structure was erected around her and sit in her bikini whilst driving around.

“Well duh, I made it.” She replied smarmily and Jason shot her a playful scowl.   
“Just take the compliment you loser.” He said pulling on his helmet.   
“Says you who’s going as the crybaby-pissboy with a temper problem.” Jason ‘ignited’ his lightsabre and started pretending to destroy the hotel room.   
“Actually no I take it back, there’s no one else you could’ve gone as.” Jason immediately stopped and pretended to be stuck by a fatal blow, falling to the floor.   
“And the princess of Gotham slays the evil tyrant, ruining Disney’s plan for a third trilogy of films.” Barbara couldn’t help but burst into laughter as Jason picked himself back up off the floor.   
“Alright alright, let’s get the components loaded onto the trolley and head off to the con.” She said sliding effortlessly from the bed into her chair. Jason turned off his lightsabre and holstered it on his hip then started hauling slabs of curved metal frame onto a large loading trolley.

Once the van was loaded back up they strolled back into the hotel just in time for the restaurant to open for breakfast. They were seated straight away and ordered quick but calorific food. They might not get much of a chance to eat during the day, especially Babs, so they were loading up now on everything they could. Jason opted for a full English breakfast, he had a soft spot for them ever since he spent two years there studying with an ex SAS operative. Barbara on the other hand ordered two bowls of porridge and coated them in honey. They both scarfed down their breakfast and scurried out to the van, both eager to start their first con experience. The journey from the hotel to the exhibition centre wasn’t far, but traffic was growing already for the con and it was only half six in the morning.

When they arrived the lines were already starting to build but luckily they were right at the front of the queue and once the doors opened it didn’t take them long before they were inside. They immediately made their way to the cosplay prep area and started assembling her masterpiece. In total it took Jason half an hour to attach all the clamps and connect all the wires. Soon enough however the orb hummed into life and lights on the outer hull lit up and shone brilliantly under the harsh lighting. There was a small crowd of cosplayers watching intently as it all came together and a few of them let out gasps and noises of awe as Jason placed the head onto the top of the orb. He then slid his own helmet on and their com system fired up.   
“You okay in there gorgeous?” Jason’s voice was clear and crisp in her headset.   
“Lights are green across the board. Shall we?”

The floor of the centre was packed but the crowds parted with phones pointed as Barbara rolled through the rows of stalls and exhibits. Jason would follow a few paces behind demanding with a perfectly replicated Kylo Ren voice if people had seen the droid he was looking for, which garnered a few laughs and giggles for the con-goers. Eventually the cosplay contest began and they made their way into the line to be judged as a couple. Jason’s lightsabre was impressive but no one saw past Barbara and her costume. They easily won first place and Jason leapt for joy when they were announced as winners. After the competition they got Barbara out of the contraption and Jason changed back into regular clothing. Now they could really have a look around the floor and see what was on offer.

As the day was coming to a close they stumbled back into their hotel room, completely knackered from a day of fun and competition.   
“Holy shit that was fun, did I see you talking to Dani DeNicola before we left?” Jason asked as he closed and locked the door for the night.   
“Yeah, she was lovely so I got her number so we can plan shoots and stuff.” Barbara said pulling off her shoes and throwing them to the other side of the room.   
“Man I’m beat. Bed?” Jason said copying Babs and ripping off his shoes and then clothes.   
“Yeah, gotta do it all again tomorrow after all.” She replied as she transferred onto the plush super-king bed in their room. Jason scooped her waist and pulled her into snuggling position tight against him.   
“Mmmm, just what I need after a long day.” Barbara said contently as Jason wiggled his head into the gap in her neck.


End file.
